Ever wonder. Like, truly wonder? I mean, of course you do, but do you really? When you feel like you are standing before a great big gaping chasm and you're just about to jump into it … not knowing if there'll be a great big cushion to stop you from going splat – or if indeed you will splat? That's how I feel right now. I'm standing before something that could be awesomely great … but it could also fold and collapse and prove me an idiot – and probably waste a fair bit of my money.
Then, why do it, Jenny? Because I have to. Because I want to. Because I want to prove I can. I have the resources and the time and I also have a small bit of experience. Only a small bit? Yes, but everybody starts there, don't they? When you were young, you only had a bit of experience at climbing trees, no? And then you got better at it until you were the only child in the playground that could reach the top of the tree … or you broke your arm but dammit that was a war-wound you took while on the road to gaining your life's greatest accomplishment. Will I get such a wound? I hope not. I'm a bit of a wuss.
That's what I keep returning to. Not whether it will fail. That's the wrong attitude. Nor whether it will succeed, although it sure would be nice. It's simply because I have to try. This -this right here- will be my mark on the world. It'll be my dying grace, hopefully. I knew what I wanted to be growing up (an artist and art teacher) and then my thoughts changed, and changed, and changed.
I think now I have actually decided what I want to be and what I want to do with my life and I'll probably make no money from it. I don't really care. I mean, I do care. I care a great deal about said project … but it's not the money or fame-dom. In fact, so long as I have a job that can support me and allow me some freedom money, I'll keep doing it and probably lose money … but what does it matter? It's not like you can carry money to your grave – although, hey, maybe it'd be neat to re-enact proper Viking stuffs like taking a sword to the next life and such. Still, I'll leave that to people who like bruises and wars. Other-life's are also a topic I don't want to get into right now.
Back on track. Where am I going with this? Or am I just rambling? I want to talk about it but I've already learnt that talking too much just invites negative nay-sayers. I spoke with some friends and they were very negative towards it. So now I keep my trap shut. I can't let on about it too much. Some of my closest friends know and they're giving me a lot of positive influence and helping me along the way. Don't'cha worry about that!
You'll know what it is soon enough and why the cloaks and dagger secrecy. I can only hope that you'll support it then.
For now, let me indulge you in a little back-story history that will make a lot more sense much later on.
When I was just heading into my teen years the garden was the best place to be. Why? It had lots of different plants I could mush together and make the proverbial healing potion for my allies. It had opportunities to dig up the earth and make plants grow. I had my own little garden plot. I grew strawberries, peas, tomatoes, potatoes, and sweat-peas – the whole she-bang. Most of all, it was mine. It was my space. My little thing. Coming from a big family, anything that I could officially label as mine and make something good happen from it was definitely worthwhile.
The garden was definitely the place to be. You don't even want to hear of the horrors that I bestowed on the poor and humble snail. (That's why I now treasure each and every snail now. You'd never catch me throwing out a snail or stomping on it. Very wise creatures, snails.) I spent many hot summer months watching ants and tracking them, studying spiders, watching snails. My tent would be set-up in the garden permanently so I could stay out there as long as possible.
The garden was also where the cheesebugs lived. The cheese-whats? Cheesebugs. I didn't know what they were at the time but they were awesome. I learnt later that cheesebugs actually had a proper name although much more boring: woodlouse. They were like little prehistoric beings and I truly believed that they ate cheese because something that awesome must eat something that amazing. Cheese was and still is the most amazing thing ever and my cheesebugs deserved it. Never mind the logistics of a woodlouse actually getting into the house and then the fridge to find cheese. The thought didn't even occur to me.
Little boys played with t-Rex … I had my cheesebugs. I would collect them in a spare bucket and see their lives act out in front of my eyes. I even found a few that were pregnant and watched them give birth and care for their young. Cheese was fed to my little cheesebugs. (It's a wonder there was ever any food in the house since my siblings and I spent most of our time wasting it in the garden!) Houses were built. The garden became a cheesebug sanctuary.
They meant something to me. They still do. There's magic in those cheesebugs … and no, I don't mean the type of magic you get on crappy television shows that's all purple and sparkly. It's hard to explain. They were and are a symbol of my childhood. They are a very symbolic creature; how they can roll-up, their little armoured bodies, the multitude of legs, and the way their weird antenna wobbled about looking for things. They could live through everything, even in the darkest and dankest parts of the garden, where no light would ever shine. They were resilient bugs.
They were my cheesebugs.
Hope you enjoyed that little insight. I believe we, as adults now, should hold on to some of the things were loved and did as children. I'm 27 now and I still cross my fingers when walking under a sign on a pathway and I won't walk across three drains in a row because it's bad luck. Maybe you do some funky things like this still. Maybe you don't. You should though. We grow up too quickly and then the creative spark dies. The wonder in everything – disappears. It doesn't have too but people often will it too and this I don't understand.
Anyway, back to real life and no more musings of bugs and projects. Since I updated you such a long time ago now, I'll just touch on a few things here.
I finally found a new job. No longer working at the pub. Can't say I'd ever work in a pub again. It's hard work, long hours, lots of standing on feet, and almost no teasing brain work. The tips politics is also tiring. It was a good life lesson and most of all it gave me some money to play with.
I found a great group of gamers that happen down a local pub. We get together every Monday and do some silly gaming. Yes, I'm now a fully fledged nerd and have several different dice sets … and you know what, I'm proud. Proud to be a nerd. It's fun and it's certainly not WorldofWarcraft addiction or drugs or alcoholism! In fact, it pulls on a lot of creativity to dream up games or participate in them. It helps that they're all slightly crazy in their own individual ways.
The Monday games also led me to Chris. He's wonderful /swoon. Yes, after I said I would never ever date again, I bumped into the most thoughtful and great guy. I'm not sure how it happened exactly. He liked me, I liked him … we both danced around that fact several times. There were many small hints that I won't go into here. It's very mushy! We're now living together and have been dating for a year now (roughly). It's like a little slice of heaven. I'm happier than a pig in shit. There's been no arguments, no quarrels; easy and simple peace. I confided in him, a long time ago, that I love how absolutely normal and slightly boring it is being around him. I don't mean that in a bad way either. We watch SC2 together while sharing a meal and it's heaven. We can fully dork out.
As I said, I'm no longer working at the pub. I found a job at Argent Health and Safety. I'm an administrator. The company audits hotels for tour operators (like Expedia and TUI UK) on their health and safety aspects. This actually does involve my brain – a lot. I don't do the auditing but I do keep the data clean and solve queries. I've learnt a heck a lot about excel spreadsheets and computers. Only fulfilling my nerdy dreams more!
Two times a year we also get to go to Calacon. It's a mass gathering of more nerds for a full and huge long weekend of more nerdy stuff. We get to play games, both brought and home-made, board-games or RPGs … and one huge LARP! Yes, I like to dress up and run around pretending I'm somebody else. No, I don't like to fight doing this. No, there is not an age-limit to this kind of stuff. It's a lot of fun. Last time I was Queen Charlotte of Wurttemberg and with my allies we made Greater Germany while being pressured by the Austrian's. It was brilliant!
Hmm. What else? I think that's everything. Oh, I did get published again. It was a six-letter short story though. Nothing massive. Check out my "Published" page to find it.
For now, much love to you, who read this dribble, and the cheesebugs that live in your gardens.
Then, why do it, Jenny? Because I have to. Because I want to. Because I want to prove I can. I have the resources and the time and I also have a small bit of experience. Only a small bit? Yes, but everybody starts there, don't they? When you were young, you only had a bit of experience at climbing trees, no? And then you got better at it until you were the only child in the playground that could reach the top of the tree … or you broke your arm but dammit that was a war-wound you took while on the road to gaining your life's greatest accomplishment. Will I get such a wound? I hope not. I'm a bit of a wuss.
That's what I keep returning to. Not whether it will fail. That's the wrong attitude. Nor whether it will succeed, although it sure would be nice. It's simply because I have to try. This -this right here- will be my mark on the world. It'll be my dying grace, hopefully. I knew what I wanted to be growing up (an artist and art teacher) and then my thoughts changed, and changed, and changed.
I think now I have actually decided what I want to be and what I want to do with my life and I'll probably make no money from it. I don't really care. I mean, I do care. I care a great deal about said project … but it's not the money or fame-dom. In fact, so long as I have a job that can support me and allow me some freedom money, I'll keep doing it and probably lose money … but what does it matter? It's not like you can carry money to your grave – although, hey, maybe it'd be neat to re-enact proper Viking stuffs like taking a sword to the next life and such. Still, I'll leave that to people who like bruises and wars. Other-life's are also a topic I don't want to get into right now.
Back on track. Where am I going with this? Or am I just rambling? I want to talk about it but I've already learnt that talking too much just invites negative nay-sayers. I spoke with some friends and they were very negative towards it. So now I keep my trap shut. I can't let on about it too much. Some of my closest friends know and they're giving me a lot of positive influence and helping me along the way. Don't'cha worry about that!
You'll know what it is soon enough and why the cloaks and dagger secrecy. I can only hope that you'll support it then.
For now, let me indulge you in a little back-story history that will make a lot more sense much later on.
When I was just heading into my teen years the garden was the best place to be. Why? It had lots of different plants I could mush together and make the proverbial healing potion for my allies. It had opportunities to dig up the earth and make plants grow. I had my own little garden plot. I grew strawberries, peas, tomatoes, potatoes, and sweat-peas – the whole she-bang. Most of all, it was mine. It was my space. My little thing. Coming from a big family, anything that I could officially label as mine and make something good happen from it was definitely worthwhile.
The garden was definitely the place to be. You don't even want to hear of the horrors that I bestowed on the poor and humble snail. (That's why I now treasure each and every snail now. You'd never catch me throwing out a snail or stomping on it. Very wise creatures, snails.) I spent many hot summer months watching ants and tracking them, studying spiders, watching snails. My tent would be set-up in the garden permanently so I could stay out there as long as possible.
The garden was also where the cheesebugs lived. The cheese-whats? Cheesebugs. I didn't know what they were at the time but they were awesome. I learnt later that cheesebugs actually had a proper name although much more boring: woodlouse. They were like little prehistoric beings and I truly believed that they ate cheese because something that awesome must eat something that amazing. Cheese was and still is the most amazing thing ever and my cheesebugs deserved it. Never mind the logistics of a woodlouse actually getting into the house and then the fridge to find cheese. The thought didn't even occur to me.
Little boys played with t-Rex … I had my cheesebugs. I would collect them in a spare bucket and see their lives act out in front of my eyes. I even found a few that were pregnant and watched them give birth and care for their young. Cheese was fed to my little cheesebugs. (It's a wonder there was ever any food in the house since my siblings and I spent most of our time wasting it in the garden!) Houses were built. The garden became a cheesebug sanctuary.
They meant something to me. They still do. There's magic in those cheesebugs … and no, I don't mean the type of magic you get on crappy television shows that's all purple and sparkly. It's hard to explain. They were and are a symbol of my childhood. They are a very symbolic creature; how they can roll-up, their little armoured bodies, the multitude of legs, and the way their weird antenna wobbled about looking for things. They could live through everything, even in the darkest and dankest parts of the garden, where no light would ever shine. They were resilient bugs.
They were my cheesebugs.
Hope you enjoyed that little insight. I believe we, as adults now, should hold on to some of the things were loved and did as children. I'm 27 now and I still cross my fingers when walking under a sign on a pathway and I won't walk across three drains in a row because it's bad luck. Maybe you do some funky things like this still. Maybe you don't. You should though. We grow up too quickly and then the creative spark dies. The wonder in everything – disappears. It doesn't have too but people often will it too and this I don't understand.
Anyway, back to real life and no more musings of bugs and projects. Since I updated you such a long time ago now, I'll just touch on a few things here.
I finally found a new job. No longer working at the pub. Can't say I'd ever work in a pub again. It's hard work, long hours, lots of standing on feet, and almost no teasing brain work. The tips politics is also tiring. It was a good life lesson and most of all it gave me some money to play with.
I found a great group of gamers that happen down a local pub. We get together every Monday and do some silly gaming. Yes, I'm now a fully fledged nerd and have several different dice sets … and you know what, I'm proud. Proud to be a nerd. It's fun and it's certainly not WorldofWarcraft addiction or drugs or alcoholism! In fact, it pulls on a lot of creativity to dream up games or participate in them. It helps that they're all slightly crazy in their own individual ways.
The Monday games also led me to Chris. He's wonderful /swoon. Yes, after I said I would never ever date again, I bumped into the most thoughtful and great guy. I'm not sure how it happened exactly. He liked me, I liked him … we both danced around that fact several times. There were many small hints that I won't go into here. It's very mushy! We're now living together and have been dating for a year now (roughly). It's like a little slice of heaven. I'm happier than a pig in shit. There's been no arguments, no quarrels; easy and simple peace. I confided in him, a long time ago, that I love how absolutely normal and slightly boring it is being around him. I don't mean that in a bad way either. We watch SC2 together while sharing a meal and it's heaven. We can fully dork out.
As I said, I'm no longer working at the pub. I found a job at Argent Health and Safety. I'm an administrator. The company audits hotels for tour operators (like Expedia and TUI UK) on their health and safety aspects. This actually does involve my brain – a lot. I don't do the auditing but I do keep the data clean and solve queries. I've learnt a heck a lot about excel spreadsheets and computers. Only fulfilling my nerdy dreams more!
Two times a year we also get to go to Calacon. It's a mass gathering of more nerds for a full and huge long weekend of more nerdy stuff. We get to play games, both brought and home-made, board-games or RPGs … and one huge LARP! Yes, I like to dress up and run around pretending I'm somebody else. No, I don't like to fight doing this. No, there is not an age-limit to this kind of stuff. It's a lot of fun. Last time I was Queen Charlotte of Wurttemberg and with my allies we made Greater Germany while being pressured by the Austrian's. It was brilliant!
Hmm. What else? I think that's everything. Oh, I did get published again. It was a six-letter short story though. Nothing massive. Check out my "Published" page to find it.
For now, much love to you, who read this dribble, and the cheesebugs that live in your gardens.
RSS Feed